September 22, 2009

My Bad Habit

Talking about my bad habit always make me laugh. It's like opening your dark side to everyone. Well, this idea came when I got very mad yesterday. Hmm... I think I should write it, so one day when I re-read it, I will learn from it... (hopefully) hahaha!

Each time I mad at something or someone, I tend to run. I remember having an argument with my parents and boyfriend (I forgot what argument we had), I got mad. I just took my wallet and walked as far as I could. I made my parents and my boyfriend worried that day (they kept calling my cellphone and I rejected it). I got back home very late and they were furious. What did I do back then? Hmm, I went to a beauty saloon, got my hair cut and did some treatments. Well, a bad habit right?

Yesterday, I got mad with my parents for their absurd act. I don't mind having guests staying at our house but my parents sometimes did not think wisely. We only have 3 rooms and we already have a guest (my little sister from my hometown). Yesterday, they welcomed 5 people to stay at home. This small house and bedroom???? I like helping people but I know my limit. I just don't understand, what they were thinking. I like to serve our guests but I'm thinking more about their comfort. They slept in a room, their 3 daughters slept on the bed while their parents slept on the floor. I slept with my mom and my little sister, while my brother with my dad. Can you imagine?

Few months ago, my mom's friends came (3 ladies). You know where they slept? 2 ladies slept on our bedroom and the other slept in our couch in front of the television at our living room. See!!! This is not what I have in mind of serving guests. Well, what do you think?

What I did this time? I cooked and ate it (in angry mode), later I asked my little sister to come with me to the mall and... I bought my sister a shoes, clothes, and accessories. What a stupid act!!! Well, I run again!!!
I really need an anger management... LOL... Need to control my emotion!
September 19, 2009


Yesterday I went to see my gynecologist. As I wrote before, everyone suggested me to see her again. It's been almost a year since the last time I saw her. I was worried because I felt a lump in my lower tummy. It's a different lump; hard, solid with unclear border. I thought it was another cyst of my endometriosis.

This time I went with a friend, since I don't want my parents to know about it. So, I told them that I went to have dinner with some friends. A big liar, huh? Well, I don't want them to worry over something unclear. The result is good.

She examined me, she tried to find where the cyst. The last time - one year ago, she said my womb is clear no threat at all. She worried that the endometriosis this time not in a form of cyst but the thickening of the womb's wall. Last night, there was no sign of cyst. I'm relief. She suggested me to drink a birth control pill instead of my pain killer. She said it will reduce the pain. I hope so (cross my fingers and pray hard).

Thank you my friends for supporting me through the joy and the pain.
The picture is taken from:
September 16, 2009

My first time at ER

This last few days were bad days for me. Since Saturday I have a heavy stomach ache due to my period cycle. With endometriosis, the pain become worst every period cycle. Sometimes the pain is light but when my condition is bad, then it become very painful.

This month cycle is very painful. The pain in the tummy followed by nausea and head ache. Since Saturday I took pain killer. On Sunday my condition become worse... I spend most of the day on the bed. At Sunday afternoon, I managed to go to Church. We had a strong wind that afternoon, I felt chill.

Wake up with a better condition on Monday morning so I didn't take my pain killer. I worked as usual, but at 10.30 I felt so hungry. I decided to drink cereal but my condition got worse. During lunch hour, I got head and stomach ache and nausea. I drank hot tea and turned out to be a wrong move. The nausea become worse, so I went to the toilet and vomited. I wasn't getting any better after vomited, my stomach hurt and full of gas, my head hurt and suddenly I vision become blur and black.

I tried to walk with my friend's help, borrowed my boss car and went home. The whole office got panicked because of me. So sorry... On the way home, I felt terrible so I decided to go to the ER at near hospital.

Arrived at ER the male nurse asked me to lay down on bed, then he began to check my temperature and my blood pressure. He said everything was normal and asked me what I felt. I explained to him and asked him to call my doctor. The service was awful, they made me wait so long. It suppose to be an ER but the service was like a regular clinic.

When my doctor came, I explained to her and she examined me. She said about giving me 5 injection for my head ache, stomach ache, stomach cramp, nausea, and vomit. 4 injections on hand and 1 on backside. I was in a great pain, I just nodded on whatever she said. When the nurse came I was surprised to see 5 syringes. I thought there would be 2 syringes. O God! How could I took that 4 syringes through my hand?

Well, luckily they had a special syringe so they only put one needle inside my blood vessel and inject the 4 injections one by one through it. That was a relief! I stayed at the ER for 1.5 hours. When I went to see the doctor (a different doctor) before I left, he suggested me to see my gynecologist immediately.

Wow! The last time I got this sick was before I got operated for my endometriosis. Is this another signal of it? All my friends also suggested me to see my gynecologist immediately too, even my boss recommended his wife's gynecologist.

I'm afraid. Afraid to hear what my gynecologist will say. Afraid to hear for another operation request. Some of my friends already offer to accompany me to see my gynecologist. Well, I used to go alone, always by myself.... No matter how many person accompany me, I still have to face the reality alone and I'm not ready at all. Not now!!!

My special thanks to:
Nit2x, Trisiana, Sisca, Santi, Sisilia, Benny, Blue Jasmine, Agung, Arief, Nana, Rudi, Ruth, and all my friends for helping me when I nearly passed out and being there with me through my painful times... I'm blessed to have you around me... Thank you...
September 11, 2009

Would you believe the devil?

Recently I read a novel given by my bestfriend. This novel told about a young girl who summon the devil to fulfill her wish. Her wish was to cure her mother. Her mother got an incident and fell into comma.

Well, she found this small old black book that showed her how to summon a devil with chocolate and cinnamon powder. What a weird way, isn't it? I used to watched this serial called Supernatural. The ceremonial of summoning the devil doesn't have anything to do with chocolate nor cinnamon. Anyhow, back to the novel. The devil came in the man form with a pink shirt. Man in a pink shirt? Oh, please! LOL...

When she finally asked the devil to bring back her mom from comma, the devil said no. He said that life and dead are God's privilege. So she has to change her wish, otherwise the devil can't go back to hell. Her mom finally died, and her next wish was to take her to heaven to see her mom. Again, the devil said no. You know... Devil may not go to heaven. That's the rule!

I'm not going to tell how this story end. What made me wrote this notes then? I wrote this because my friend who gave me this novel ask me, whether I will believe the devil for once in my lifetime.... Would I do that? Hmm, hard to answer. As I know, the devil always come with a tempting offer. LOL...

NO... Hell No! That's my answer, Blue Jasmine. I wouldn't put my wish on the devil's hand. I've been there, done that! No... Not even for once in my lifetime. No matter how tempting, how desperate.... I still believe in God, that He has a beautiful plan for each of us.
September 04, 2009

Putting Down

Life and problem... Who can separate them? I remember my friend said everyone faced their own problem each day, and the most important thing is how we handle each problem. So, today I decide to handle it by putting down all my problem that has been haunting me for the last few week.

Putting it down doesn't mean I give up. It's more like putting it down to God's hand. Today in our prayer communion, my friend gave a testimonial how her life has been mentally down for sometimes. How she afraid of scissor and all bad thoughts of killing herself. Wow! This girl's problem must be very heavy until she wish to end her life. She said, she finally able to get up with the help of God. She created a song... beautiful song about her experience with Holy Spirit... What a talented girl!!!

Well, I learn my lesson today... not to give up and to completely surrender my life to God. He loves me with a great love that no man can provide. His love complete me, it makes me stronger each day. Thank you for loving me unconditionally, Jesus.
September 01, 2009


My boss asked me to accompany him to go to my home town next week for two days trip. Actually this plan is a perfect runaway for my stress but I'm afraid to do it. I know I shouldn't be afraid to come and stay at my own house but the trauma of what had happened is still like a fresh wound.

I made a promise to myself not to step inside the house again after what happened. The feeling of insecure and being set up still haunting me. I couldn't trust my mom again. What is her plan for me if I step into that house? Another trap? Another powerful forces?

Jesus! I know I must forgive and forget what had happened but I can't.. I'm not ready yet. Each time I see and think about my house and my parents, I'm afraid. I don't want to go to that house alone, please...

What should I tell my boss then? I should be professional, right? No!!!! I don't want to go since I know my boss would ask me to stay at my house instead of hotel. I hope I can just say no to him (cross my fingers...)... Please help me, God.