Lesson: Seeing Trials from a Different Side

An old friend called me last week; it’s been awhile since our last conversation. She knows me pretty well; we often discuss many things together. She asked me about my condition after several trials last year.  Once I told her that the lost of my father was my biggest trial of 2012.

She said, “When you lost your ex, it was like your whole world seems fall apart. When you have to take the surgery and remove your ovary, you cried a lot because you felt that your hope to have a child is gone. When you lost your dad, you cried till you can’t breathe.” Then she asked me this, “Have you ever blame God for your trials?”

I never blame God for what had happened. It was hard to let go of my ex because I love him so much. It was hard to let go of my ovary, because I lost my hope to have my own child. I learn my lesson to let go. I learn to let him go because I love him. I learn to let my hope fade away because God want my ovary back. Everything I have is from God, and if God wants it back, I shall not withhold.

Then she asked again, “Have you ever think that God wanted you to experience the two events to get you ready for the next big event? I know your biggest lost is the lost of your father.”

WOW! She really had me thinking…

Why I haven’t thought this way before? I always wonder why God wants me to learn to let go 3x in a year. Did I fail to learn the lesson? Now I got my answer through my friend. God prepared me very well to be able to stand strong when I lost my father. I have to be strong for my mother who almost kills herself to be with my dad in heaven. I have to be strong for my brother, sister in law, and niece. Friends told me how strong I am to face my trials. I said to them I am not that strong.

Lesson to learn:

To let go is very hard especially to let go the one you love. Get closer to God in each trial, He will make you stronger, He will give you the strength you need to face it. Thank You, Lord. Thank you, my friends, for supporting me all the way, for opening my eyes to see a different side of my trials.

“He gives strength to the weary and increase the power of the weak.” (Isaiah 40:29)

Picture source:

www.quotes-lover.com

Lesson: Paid Online Survey

I tried to find earning in the internet and a friend of mine suggested several ways: paid online chatting, paid online survey, make a blog, etc. I have tried paid chatting and paid surveys. So far the earning from this way is good even that I have to collect points which take a long time before I got my payment.

For me, the first site who gave me payment is: Aip Surveys.  This one is a local paid online survey. The payment is not cash but voucher. I can redeem my point with voucher from several shops or restaurants. The surveys are many which give me a lot of opportunity to collect many points. I usually redeem my points with shopping voucher, one time was dining voucher. I have joined this site for almost 3 years.

The second site is a global site, Global Test Market. This one pays me in cash. The only problem is... the points given by each survey is very small, so I have to work hard to be able to redeem my points. I have to reach 1000 points in order to redeem USD50. I had a doubt that the site can pay me who lives in this country, but it did. I received my first check on mid of October. Since the check has my name written wrongly in it, I have to return to GMI. It wasn't totally their fault because I didn't mention my middle name in the survey site. Last week I received a new check with a correct name. Thank you, Mr. Luke from GMI, who help me with this issue.

Lesson to learn:
God is amazing. He always provides me with what I need. I am in lack of money but my need is fulfilled in many ways. The help of friends who buy me food, the unexpected daily allowance, the check from GMI. Thank you, Lord for Your never ending love.

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." 
(Matthew 19:26, NIV)

Poem: The Things I Would've Said

Yesterday I saw this poem at my favorite writer website. As I read it, I remember friends who want to end up their life without even considering the people who love them. I know life is hard, I know life is difficult, but as long as you have faith in God, everything is possible. 

Here is the poem called: 

THE THINGS I WOULD'VE SAID 

by I Wrote This For You

If you're strong enough to take that blade and draw it across your skin. 

If you're strong enough to take those pills and swallow them when no one's home.

If you're strong enough to tie that rope and hang it from the ceiling fan.

If you're strong enough to jump off that bridge, my friend.

You are strong enough, to live.

source:

www.iwrotethisforyou.me

www.choosehelp.com

I Kicked You Because I Love You

This time of my life, I felt like God kick me very hard to the left, to the right... Start from the endometriosis, the order to empty the current house, the urge to find a new house, the financial situation. I don't want to complaint, I just wish that I can be strong enough to go through this phase. Sometimes I felt so low.. so powerless but outside I have to be strong.

As I reflect this situation suddenly I remember this verse below:

Proverbs 3:12 - because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in

This verse said that God disciplines those He loves in many ways. I might not like the way He disciplines me cause sometimes it painful and hard. Yet I know that He has a good plan for me, a plan of welfare and happiness. God used this situation to change me. Even when I don't know why something bad happened, I know God has the power to use it for good.

God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way. If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

When You Kiss Me

This song was introduced by my brother but I fall in love with it when my ex sing this song. This song reminds me so much of you, I will keep our beautiful moments with me. Thank you for singing this song along with me that day at the airport, it meant a lot to me.

When You Kiss Me
by Shania Twain

This could be it, I think I'm in love
It's love this time
It just seems to fit, I think I'm in love
This love is mine

I can see you with me when I'm older
All my lonely night are finally over
You took the weight of the world off my
shoulders (the world just goes away)

[Chorus:]
Oh, when you kiss me

I know you miss me--
and when you're with me
The world just goes away
The way you hold me
The way you show me that you
adore me--oh, when you kiss me
Oh, yeah

You are the one, I think I'm in love
Life has begun

I can see the two of us together
I know I'm gonna be with you forever
Love couldn't be any better

[Repeat Chorus]
[Instrumental Solo]

I can see you with me when I'm older
All my lonely nights are finally over
You took the weight of the world off my
shoulders (the world just goes away)

[Repeat Chorus]

And when you kiss me
I know you miss me
Oh, the world just goes away
When you kiss me 

Living Alone

For a very long time I wished to be able to live alone. I want to live just by myself, consider that I'm an indifferent person, the choice to live alone always come in my mind. I even pray for it to happen. God heard my prayer. I live... not alone but not with my family.

By the second semester of this year, my dad has been transferred by his office to another city. My mum already lives in another city for a long time. While my brother still lives in the same city but not in the same house. I thought I will live alone when my apartment finish but with many changes in live. Now, I live with my maid and my dog. My parents usually visit me at the end of the month.

Sometimes I miss my family so much, till it hurts. As the time goes by the feeling gradually disappear. It's not that I forget them, I still built a good communication with them. I'm enjoying my life now, I even get fatter... LOL... I'm free now!

"Thank you, God. I know you always listen to my prayer. You always know the best for me. I believe in You and in Your wonderful plan for me. Hold me and never let me go, because I am nothing without you. Thank you!"

Thanks to You

This entry is dedicate to all my friends. Thank you for your love and attention on my birthday. Special thanks to:

Ko Eric
For the dinner on July 30 and the birthday wishes on August 30. Thank you for remembering my birthday, bro.

Monalisa
Thank you for the bag. I will always miss you.

Fransiska
Girl, thank you very much for you text message on August 30.

NIt2x
My little sister, thank you for being the first to say Happy Birthday and for the most creative gifts. Red for the candle, orange for the glove, white for the card drive, and black for the scarf. You really know my favorite colors. Also, for the poem, the IKEA Catalog and the last letter to close my b-day.

Imelda
Honey, thank you for the prayer on my birthday.

Blue Jasmine a.k.a Rika
My big sister, thank you so much for the lovely novels and prayer.

Siska Yunita
You are so kind to me. Thank you for the "Special Gift Book" and for the blouses. Wow! You never stop giving me surprise throughout the years. Thanks for the monthly reflection book too.

Ruben Gonzalez
Thank you very much for the birthday song in Spanish. It is a lovely song. This is the first Happy Birthday song I ever hear in other language beside English and Indonesian. Thank you for singing it to me.

Ruth Virginia
Happy birthday too, sister. Thank you for the "S" pendant. I always want this pendant, but never get it. Already have an "I" and "N", now I finally got a pendant of my first baptism name character. Thank you very much, Ruthie.

And thank you to everyone else who congratulate me on my special day. I wish you all the best thing in life, more happiness and success. God bless you, my friends.

Here is the picture of my gifts:

It is Prohibited

‎​IT IS PROHIBITED

By Pablo Neruda

It is prohibited to cry without learning,

to get up one day without knowing what to do, 

to have fear of your memories ...

It is prohibited not to smile at problems,

not to fight for what you want,

to abandon everything for fear,

not to turn your dreams into reality ...

It is prohibited not to try to understand people, 

to think that their lives are worth less than yours, 

not to know that everyone has their own way and happiness ...

It is prohibited not to create your history, 

not to have a moment for the people that need you, 

not to understand that what life gives you can also be taken away ...

It is prohibited not to search for your happiness, 

not to live your life with a positive attitude, 

not to believe that one can improve, 

not to feel that without you, this world would not be the same ...

Special thanks to my friend, Ruben, who gave me this poem. It is a beautiful poem and I love it. Thank you, bro!

IF by Rudyard Kipling

This poem is given to me by G. Thank you, G! He said he hated this poem when it was given to him as a graduation present from his high school but now he loves it. Well, i think this is a nice poem about life. Read it!

IF 
by Rudyard Kipling (1899)

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

A House or Home

 

These last few weeks I got home very late. I left at 9am and backed at 10 or 11pm, everyday! I love to be busy and enjoy each activity. Although tiring, I like to spend more time outside than at home.

Wait! Is it wrong to feel more comfort outside? Well, that's what I feel for more than a year. My main reason is to avoid spending time with my parents. Being home with them around is disaster. Most of the time we argue, I dislike this kind of situation. I want to have a home not a house. A house is just a building, a place to go after work. But a home is a place where I can find comfort, happiness, and peace around my family. I couldn't find it at my current house, except on weekend when my parents not around.

I always try to find after work activity, so I can get home very late at night. Directly take a shower afterward then off to sleep. At the morning I don't have enough time to spend as I rush to office. I know is not a good relationship and I wish to be able to repair it. But we have different perspective about many things in life, and it cause all the argument. They want the best for their children, they push us with a high level pressure while we just want a life according to our own standards not theirs. Whoa... Hope I can fulfill your wish, please help me God ^^...

Right now, I want a home where I can feel secure, comfort, and happy. I miss to stay at home, to laugh and chat with light subject or to watch a movie together with the whole family. Let's build a better home...

Second Month Result

Last week I got my period, last only 3 days. The bleeding was lesser than before. The menstrual pain gradually reduced. But I still felt the pain that I use to have after the menstrual period. The ache from my right tummy spread trough my back and leg. This time is as painful as before I begin the treatment. Sometimes it's hard to get up after sitting for a long time and felt awkward to walk afterward.

Have to admit that I skipped one pill. Completely, totally forget about it on Sunday. The alarm in my phone already remind me of it but I forget to bring the medicine since I switch my bag. Stupid!!! I remember bout it at midnight before I slept and it's already too late to consume it according to the leaflet yet still took it. I continued to consume until the last pill.

I will continue this treatment. Wishing that one day it will make all the pain disappear. No matter how much I hate to take it...

Christmas' Wishes

December! One of my favorite month of the year. I love the Christmas' ornament at the malls, the theme colors of Christmas - red and green... perfect combination, the Santa Claus, all the music... Don't you love Christmas? I do.

Santa Claus, the big guy with red suits and long white beard, is very identical to Christmas' wishes. When I was a little girl, I sat on his lap and asked him many presents. Now as an adult, I still have Christmas' wishes and today I will write my Christmas' wishes. Hope the Santa Claus will hear my wishes ^o^.

First wish is to bring the lost sheep home. This is a hard! I've given my best effort... They have been lost for quite a long time, I wish to be able to open their eyes and make them see the right path. Come home with me... walk on the right path... No matter what may happen, I love you.

Second wish is a glasses. I have 2 glasses. The first one looks very funny on me. Well, my dad choose it for me... actually I didn't like it but since he paid for it, I have to take his choice or else (~laughing out loud~). I hardly wear it. My second glasses was my own choice, I bought it with my own money. I love it very much but still rarely wear it... too heavy (~laughing~). Several months ago a friend ask me where I bought and how much it cost. I told her the place and then I thought she needed this glasses more than me, so I decided to give it to her. Now, I need a new glasses since the big meeting is coming soon. Last Sunday I saw a friend with "Levi's" eyeglasses... and I fall in love with it. This is my second wish for Christmas.

Third wish is a watch. I don't have any watch right now. My old and favorite watch was broken, tried to repair it several time. It's running again but the chain is too small (even with extra chain) and I easily drop it. There is another watch from my dad, but the genuine skin color leather chain is broken. Since it is an expensive watch I couldn't change it with regular leather chain. The original leather chain is too expensive for my pocket (~laughing~). So, I need a new watch and I like to have a "Fossil" Watch... This is my last Christmas wish.

Now, who want to be my Santa Claus? Hmm...

Whew!

Yesterday I went to see my gynecologist. As I wrote before, everyone suggested me to see her again. It's been almost a year since the last time I saw her. I was worried because I felt a lump in my lower tummy. It's a different lump; hard, solid with unclear border. I thought it was another cyst of my endometriosis.

This time I went with a friend, since I don't want my parents to know about it. So, I told them that I went to have dinner with some friends. A big liar, huh? Well, I don't want them to worry over something unclear. The result is good.

She examined me, she tried to find where the cyst. The last time - one year ago, she said my womb is clear no threat at all. She worried that the endometriosis this time not in a form of cyst but the thickening of the womb's wall. Last night, there was no sign of cyst. I'm relief. She suggested me to drink a birth control pill instead of my pain killer. She said it will reduce the pain. I hope so (cross my fingers and pray hard).

Thank you my friends for supporting me through the joy and the pain.

The picture is taken from: petersfoodadventure.wordpress.com

Putting Down

Life and problem... Who can separate them? I remember my friend said everyone faced their own problem each day, and the most important thing is how we handle each problem. So, today I decide to handle it by putting down all my problem that has been haunting me for the last few week.

Putting it down doesn't mean I give up. It's more like putting it down to God's hand. Today in our prayer communion, my friend gave a testimonial how her life has been mentally down for sometimes. How she afraid of scissor and all bad thoughts of killing herself. Wow! This girl's problem must be very heavy until she wish to end her life. She said, she finally able to get up with the help of God. She created a song... beautiful song about her experience with Holy Spirit... What a talented girl!!!

Well, I learn my lesson today... not to give up and to completely surrender my life to God. He loves me with a great love that no man can provide. His love complete me, it makes me stronger each day. Thank you for loving me unconditionally, Jesus.

My Recycle Bin

I use this term to ask my friend to be a good listener. A friend introduced me to this term when he asked whether I want to be his recycle bin or not. I was confused that time, but I really understand the point of becoming a good listener through him. A recycle bin is a garbage bin, where you can throw all your garbage there. A recycle bin receives all the garbage without complaining or commenting. This is a hard job since I tend to speak my own mind instead of listening. Thanks to my friend, SAN... I learn so much from you.

Good listening skills are vital to healthy relationships. Whether you’re strengthening a relationship or resolving a conflict, good listening skills can be a lifeline to peace. Listening is an essential part of communication. Being a good and patient listener helps you not only solve many problems, but also to see the world through the eyes of others, thereby opening your understanding and enhancing your capacity for empathy.

Here are some steps to enhance your good listening skills:

1. Stop talking, be silent, and start to listen. It might sound obvious and trite, but one of the biggest obstacles to listening, for many people, is resisting the impulse to 'chime in'. Ask your friend what’s wrong, and really listen to the answer. Let them vent their fears, frustrations and other important feelings, maintaining eye contact and showing that you’re interested in what they have to say. Resist the urge to give advice, and just let them get it out.
2. Place yourself in the other person’s shoes. It is often too easy to wonder about how what the other person is telling you is impacting you. Active listening is not about inward thinking. Instead, you must draw away from the temptation to do this by looking at the problems from the other person's perspective and actively trying to see his or her point of view.
   
3. Reframe what you hear. Repeat some of the things they said. At the same time, encourage them with positive feedback. It is also very useful to summarize what the speaker is saying and restate it in your own words. This is a form of reassuring the speaker that you have truly been listening to what he or she is saying. It also provides them with an opportunity to correct any mistaken assumptions or misconceptions that may have arisen during the course of the conversation. This is an especially good technique to try when you find yourself getting frustrated or restless in your listening. Summarize and repeat back your understanding of what they’re saying so they know you’re hearing them, and focus on the emotions they might be feeling.
4. Do not interrupt with what you feel or think about the topic being discussed. Wait for another person to ask your opinion before interrupting the flow of discussion. Active listening requires the listener to shelve his or her own opinions temporarily, and await appropriate breaks in the conversation for summarizing. Abstain from giving direct advice. Instead, let him or her talk the situation out and find his or her own way. Just because someone is speaking to you, do not presume that they are asking for your input! Be patient and respect pauses. Listening is about understanding another person, not about making suggestions (unless asked).
5. Help Brainstorm. Rather than giving advice in the beginning, which cuts off further exploration of feelings and other communication, wait until they’ve gotten their feelings out, and then help them brainstorm solutions.

And here are some tips for you:

1. Do not give advice unless requested.
2. Never criticize while listening.
3. Listening is about creating a caring environment in which the other person feels encourage by your ability to understand.
4. Do not judge anyone for their opinion or action.
5. Trust the process for everyone has a unique thought process and ways to express their self.
6. The more you listen, the more trusted you become.
   

I always ask some of my close friend to be my recycle bin, some turn out to be a very good listener, some refuse to do it. I appreciate your time and attention, guys… I really do. Thank you for being a loyal recycle bin…

Source:
stress.about.com/od/relationships/ht/howtolisten.htm
http://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Good-Listener

An Early Birthday Gift

Everyone has their own imagination of how they want to celebrate their birthday. Each year they try many different ways. Some celebrate it in a small or big party, while some celebrate it with them self - contemplating.

Well, each year I tried many ways to celebrate mine. I remember last year I celebrated it with my close friend at a pizza restaurant and got my first surprise birthday party from my office friends. This year I wish to be able to celebrate it by myself... Just be with myself. Will I be able to do that??? Hmm, let’s see…

Anyhow, this year celebration got a bit of distraction. It is a funny distraction. I open my birthday present 19 days before my birthday. Well, I have a best friend who always gives a surprise gift each year on my birthday. I call it surprise gift, because she always gives four items to me. When we were in university, I remember her saying that she wants to celebrate each week in August as my birthday. So each week in August, she always gave me a present.

We hardly meet each other now but she always does her habit. She never forgets it, not even once. She did it in a different way though, not by giving a present for each week but put it together four items in a box and give it to me at once. Last year she gave it on July, so I have to wait one month to open it. Very challenging... And I manage to open it on my birthday. Well, this year she gave it 19 days earlier (she already prepares it since June but I refuse to take it).... Way too early!!!

So, the night she gave her present I told her that I will open it on my birthday. Later that night she called and asked me to open it immediately. I refused but she insisted because she was afraid that she might give the wrong present. Finally, I open my birthday present 19 days earlier... It's a book, a lovely book called "New Day, New You" by Joyce Meyer. I haven't read it yet, will do it after my birthday...

Thank you for the book, Siska. Thank you for preparing it since June and thank you for always make me feel special in my birthday. God bless you...

Election

Finally, I vote for the president election on Jul 8, 2009. Thanks to you, G! You are the one who make me feel guilty for not voting… LOL…

I cleared out my local ID problem just a month before the election. I used to have my home town ID, which is 7 hours drive from where I live now. I moved to my current location 17 years ago. My parents and brother still have their home town ID but I decide to move mine to my current location last year. The process took a very long time, especially when you handle everything by yourself. I finally gave up in the last process and let other people finished for me. Why after all this time? Well, I love my current location and sometimes I found difficulties for not having local ID. For example with the local bank, I may not open an account using my old ID.

Due to this mess up, I’ve already missed 3 elections. Since last year, my city has already held 4 elections. The first election was for the governor, the second was also for governor (their second rounds), and the third one was for House of Representatives’ member. Now, I’ve done my job as citizen, involve in determining the future of my country for the next 5 years. Hope that I didn’t make the wrong choice and whoever win or lose will take the result as a good democratic process.

The Wall

This topic brought to me twice in a week. One topic is about staring at the blank wall and the other one is about walking through the wall. Two different interesting subjects isn’t it? I really want to explore more on stare a blank wall.   

This topic brought by one of my favorite author, Mr. Paulo Coelho. I’m following his update in a social network group. He always posts a different subject each week, and always made me think about something I never had from such a simple subject. Last month, he brought it up and it challenges me to stare a blank wall.   

He said, as I quote, “I asked this week to friends to stare a blank wall – what do you see?”

  

So, I’m trying to stare a blank wall and let my mind wandering around. When I wrote this, I try to stare a blank glass not wall LOL...  I remember to write something on my blog about the current election. At the same time I was thinking about my short trip not so long ago and how cold the weather, since I couldn’t stand cold. I try to stare as long as I could but I can’t... so many things in my mind right now. I wish I could stare a little longer, let's say about 10 minutes each day... Hmm... will I be able to do that?

This exercise reminds me about meditation. I’m so curious to learn to do meditation. I like to find my peace in this crowded world. Sometimes my life gets down very low and hard to find the way back. So, I really need to relax and try to calm myself. Who can teach me meditation??? Please teach me…

Thank-o-Meter

In one of my quiet moment, I found a subject about gratitude. The writer, Byrony Wood said, "Learning to be grateful no matter what our circumstance is always important." The writer further more introduced a little machine design to measure how much gratitude we express, this little machine called Thank-o-Meter. Hmm... I wonder what score I would have...

In this time, I would like to give thanks to My God, My Savior... for my life, for each provided needs and most of all for being there through my ups and downs in life. Thanks to my parents and brother for loving me and being patience with me. My special thanks for my friends (you know who you are)...

1. Nit2x - for always supporting me and sharing all your secret with me
2. Blue Jasmine - for making me see everything in a different way, especially from the funny side of every situation 
3. SY - for providing me with those beautiful dresses and bags
4. SP - for the green shirt
5. E - for making me laugh and for the lovely book
6. MC - for your prayer
   
7. Y & P - for providing transport each time I go to choir practice
8. To all my friends that I can't mention one by one - thank you for your friendship...

So many blessing I have received, yet I often too busy or didn't notice the good around me. I really need to exercise more to express my gratitude. Have you count your blessing today?

Getting Closer

Like the wheel of life, sometimes I'm at the upper and sometimes at lower. This is what I feel lately. Many things had happened in my life which toast myself up and down. Sometimes I feel very exciting toward life, yet I can feel down after a few second. Have you ever feel like that? Or you always have the spirit of life that keep you alive?

Lately, I'm facing another problem. My life today is racing and facing the darkest power I've ever known exist. This problem makes me closer to God. Have to admit that my relationship with God wasn't that good. I used to come before Him in time when I feel right... perfect. But that moment never exist, cause there are no such perfect time. There were too many excuses...

Getting closer to God need a strong will, a very strong one. The more I spend time with God, the more I feel save and secure. I can be at peace since I know that He loves me with such beautiful love. A love that no man can give me. A love that makes me want to wake up each morning, to sing and praise Him with each breathe I take. Have you ever feel that kind of love? Just try to get closer to Him and you'll find the greatest love of all. Read His word, get to know Him better, spend more time...