Check up time! My gynecologist told me to check up again on the day I got my period. So I did as she said so. I hoped that the result will be good, that the cyst become smaller. Yet the result confirm that the cyst still there, more firm shape this time. A cyst of 7cm x 4cm that divide with a layer, so it looks like 2 cysts. This picture below looks like my cyst but smaller; mine is AB = 7cm and CD = 4cm.
The good from the result is that the cyst remain the same in size. The bad is it still there.
I'm back with birth control pills, the doctor asked me to take it for 3 months and return to her after it. I took it since day 1 of the period. Entering day 3 now. Hopefully this medicine can reduce the size of it and the pain. Cause if I have to be honest, I'm very tired of the pain. It feels like dying each time I have my period. The stomach full of gas, I can hardly breathe, I couldn't walk straight, the pain stroke from the right tummy to my back and then to my leg. Gosh, it's very painful. I can't handle it without pain killers. Should I depend on pain killer for the rest of my life?
How can I keep my dream of having a child if this disease still here?
Long distance relationship (LDR) is a common relationship that occur due the current technology. With the fast growing internet people no longer has boundary in communication. There are email, skype, chat tool to help for better communication.
I have been in LDR twice, not saying I am an expert cause both of my relationship failed but I like to share my perspective about it.
First Experience
My parents introduced me to this guy. This guy was from my hometown which can be reach with 7 hours drive or 5 hours by train. My parents really hope this relationship to end with a wedding.
I went home each weekend just to get to know him. As I knew him, I thought I can learn to love him. So, after sometimes I said to him that I love him. My intention was to make my parents happy which turn out to be a huge mistake.
I was the only one to fight at this relationship. I was the one who went to see him every weekend while he has no intention to come to see me. I really gave my best for this one, because my parents wanted this guy. I spent my money, my time, even my health to work on the relationship.
At the end, after a long fight, he broke up with me. That time our communication was bad due some arguments. He hardly call or reply my text message. I threaten him if in 3 days he didn't respond to any of my call or text message, we are over. So, he did as I threaten him. When I called at day 4, he only said "You said if I don't call or text message you in 3 days, we are over. So, we are over!"
Second Experience
I joined a paid dating online service. It wasn't cheap for me, so I expect to find sincere and honest person here. Then I met him, a guy from a different continent, so far away.
We started with email. Then it developed into everyday chat. After sometimes... Again, I said it... I love you. I thought there's nothing wrong with saying it first, cause that's how I feel. I was in love with him. I must be very naïve!
Chat, phone call, video call, that's how we build our communication. It wasn't smooth but we made it through. Until we decided to meet face to face. Well, I have to admit that I force him to meet me face to face. I have to give this relationship a schedule, 2 years was not short and we are no longer young. We can't continue playing around with status quo indefinitely. I wanted to move on to the next step in relationship as I feel sure about him.
When I finally met him, I said to myself "this is the one". We spent wonderful week together. He proposed, we set the wedding date, we bought the ring, we planned everything. I was very happy, but my happiness didn't last long. A day after that he started to accused me with many things, which I consider to be a small matters. I remember once he said, "You should love someone for what he/she is, for simply being him/her (Love Me for What I am - by Carpenters). Age, distance, physical form won't be an obstacle." Yet, he was the one who can't love me for what I am, for simply being me. I mean if he truly loves me, he wouldn't said such things to hurt me. He finally called off everything. He cut off his communication with me. Again, I failed...
My Perspective
Long distance relationship is tough! It takes a lot of time and money. The key to the relationship is communication and trust. Long distance relationship needs a mature and wise individual. Don't try to build it when you're not ready. It will hurt you instead. Before you start long distance relationship, ask yourself this questions: are you sure about this kind of commitment, can you see yourself without him/her in the future, are you open to the possibility of relocating if the relationship should become more serious, what are you looking to get out of the relationship?
LDR is not like regular relationship when you can meet the person you love everyday. It might be easier to a woman but difficult to a man. A man needs physical touch. A man needs more than just words. At lease that was my first experience said. I wasn't there when he needed me. (Play and listen to the video above - Almost Here by Brian McFadden). Long distance relationship for me is an almost here relationship. I said "almost here" cause you can't touch each other when you need your love one. They are there with you in words, but not in physical form. This is the hardest part of long distance relationship.
There are many successful long distance relationship. I have witness some. Probably this points will make you survive this kind of relationship:
1. Ask yourself questions I mentioned above.
2. Make an agreement on an end, you should agree on an end goal - a specific time be it a year or two.
3. Schedule communication everyday, use chatting tool and video call.
4. Schedule visit, you have to meet each other as often as you can regardless your distance.
5. Trust more, like I said the distance require big trust
I don't want to try long distance relationship again at the moment. I still need time to recover from my wound. The price of love is everything, anything! I tried my best, I gave everything. I am not regretting, I just wish I can move on. This quote below is nice to remind everyone of their decision to leave someone behind, be careful:
"One day you will ask me, which is more important... My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life."
Hmm, this song is one of my favorite. I only listen one time when I went to karaoke with friends then I asked my friend to sing again, remembering the lyric and search for the song.
Somehow I really miss someone so much, I just need him now. Just to be here with me and hug me tightly. I wonder if I ever cross his mind? Cause it happens to me all the time. I really need you!
NEED YOU NOW - LADY ANTEBELLUM
(play the video above)
Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?
For me it happens all the time.
[Chorus:]
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without.
I just need you now.
Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?
For me it happens all the time.
[Chorus:]
It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without.
I just need you now.
Oh whoa
Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
[Chorus:]
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
Well I don't know how I can do without.
I just need you now
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.
Il Divo is one of my favorite, but lately I am not following their current album. Until one day, Dominick wrote it on his blog. Last week, as an Easter gift, he gave me the latest CD album of Il Divo called Wicked Game. Wow! Special deliver to my house by him, unfortunately I was away at that moment. Dominick, thank you very much for the CD. This is the song that I love at this album:
This song has a deep meaning to be, cause it explain a big love, a true love. The lyrics in English:
Te Amare / Come What May
Italian Translation
English Translation
Nunca me he sentido así hoy mi vida tiene al fin razón como un angel llegaste a mi y te entregué completo el corazón.
Oye mi canción, solo es para ti voy a hacerte para siempre feliz te adoraré, te cuidaré yo te amo y juro serte fiel.
Te amaré te amaré a tu lado aquí me moriré.
A salido el sol desde que te encontré Hay al fin color gracias a tu querer Por tu a mor, mi vida tiene razón de ser Estoy enamorado.
A donde vayas iré Allí estaré Al fin del mundo yo te acompañaré Contigo todo lo puedo lograr Yo te amo por una eternidad.
Te amaré te amaré a tu lado Aquí me moriré Yo te amaré te amaré Yo te amo Yo te amo
A salido el sol desde que te encontré
Te amaré te amaré A tu lado Aquí me moriré.
I have never felt like this Today my life at least makes sense Like an angel came to me And made the Heart complete
Hear my song just for you I will make you happy forever I'll adore you I'll worship you I love you and swear to be faithful
I will love you I will love you By your side I will die here
The sun rose since I met you There is at last colour thanks to loving you For your love my life has reason to be I am in love
Wherever you go I'll be there At world's end I'll accompany you With you I can do anything I love you till eternity
I will love you I will love you By your side I will die here I will love you I will love you I love you I love you
The run rose since I met you I will love you I will love you By your side I will die here
Its not first love that never dies, its TRUE love that never dies.
Thank God for Christ's victory today. And it is far from a bombastic resurrection. Jesus did not appear to 1000 people, and declare: 'I have risen'.
Much more He did not come to visit all those who have put him to crucifixion. Or those who have mocked Him. No vengeance at all.
Instead, He appeared to his friends! Mary Magdalene, Peter and company. And see how he treated Thomas, even when he doubted Him, Jesus approached him with love. With Peter, he did not come to get angry, but entrusted the Church. Jesus came ALWAYS with love.
Thank God, that love was a subtle one. It was SMALL personal acts, but with GREAT love. Not the opposite, great acts with small, or no love at all.
With His resurrection, we too are invited to take part in His victory. We can be like God! Human beings since Adam and Eve have been having innate desire to become like God.
But we always have a wrong idea of God. Like Peter when he refused his feet to be washed, he thought of God as one powerfully dominating everything. But Jesus always corrected this kind of thinking. He washed Peter's feet, love and treat all of us with compassion.
We too can be like God, when we love! Do small thing with great love! Grow in true love, coz true love never dies. Not even death could destroy it.
See that Easter candle and the candle in your hand. Why a candle, and not a flashlight? Because a candle gives light, but give it while consuming itself. Are you willing to be a candle?
Have a blessed Easter. You can be like God! True love never dies. ALLELUIA!
This Easter taught me something old yet something new. It began with my task as a lector on Palm Sunday. The bible reading was taken from Isaiah 50:4-7. The bible said...
"The Sovereign LORD has given me a well-instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being instructed. The Sovereign LORD has opened my ears; I have not been rebellious, I have not turned away. I offered my back to those who beat me, my cheeks to those who pulled out my beard; I did not hide my face from mocking and spitting. Because the Sovereign LORD helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore have I set my face like flint, and I know I will not be put to shame."
This bible verse told me, that Jesus Christ loves us so He willing to do anything for us. I am amazed by His love. A great love that give a life. He was crucify, died, and risen to conquer everything. He offer Him self as a living sacrifice. That is the highest gift for us.
To love is to give. Like Jesus who gave His life to us, we have to learn to life for him and to give our best to love him and others. It reminds me of this quote below:
"To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, to love without regret and never expecting anything in return."
This week begin with a new gadget, blackberry 9780 - Onyx 2. Yesterday when I said I like to change my blackberry, my dad suddenly said.."I'll buy you a new one and give your old one to your mother." Wow.. Yes! He gave me a freedom to choose the type that I want regardless the price. I was tempted to buy Dakota (Bold 9900) or Bellagio (Onyx 3). But then I feel uncomfortable to ask for such expensive one. So, my final decision went to Onyx 2. My friend said this type is good and stable from the feature, OS, and form.
Black or white? Hmm... As you know that I love both colors. My first choice would be black since my previous one is white. But as I asked for the price, the black one is more expensive... So, I chose a white Onyx 2. I hope I can give more review later after I use the device.
The book "Sunshine Becomes You", remind me about a movie called "Love & The Other Drugs". I think this movie can represent the version of true love in my mind. The story basically the same between the book and the movie. It tries to tell me when the love is so pure and true, nothing can come in between. Not age, not race, not even a deathly disease.
I have witness some true love story in real life. This is a story about my coworker daughter, a real story. She was in her last year at the university when she diagnosed with kidney failure. Her parents tried to find a cure for her. She has a boyfriend who has been with her all the time. He wasn't from the same city, so he has to travel a lot to accompany her. It turned out that she has to do dialysis every time. The doctor became very difficult to find a new blood vessel to run the dialysis. Her sickness got worse...
I was shocked when my dad announce her wedding. I said to myself... this man must be crazy to marry a dying girl. I came to the wedding and I found that I was wrong. Their eyes showed how big their love to each other. That moment I knew, it was a true love...
As her condition got worse I visited her at the hospital. So tragic to saw her in such skinny body when she used to be so healthy and chubby. I saw how hard she tried to breath, how her husband stood by her side to pad her back just to give a little relief for her. I saw how her mother became so skinny too, it must have been very hard for her to saw her daughter like that. She finally passed away after 2 years of fighting. I couldn't attend her funeral due a big meeting at the company. May she rest in peace.
Back to the movie, "Love & The Other Drugs". The story is about a man who has a chance to leave his girlfriend who has Parkinson disease but choose to stay by her side. Here are some quote that I love from the movie:
Jamie Randall: I'm full of shit, okay? No I'm... I'm
*knowingly* full of shit. Because, uh... because uh, uh... I have... I have
*never* cared about anybody or anything in my entire life. And the thing is,
everybody just kind of accepted that. Like, "That's just Jamie." And
then you!... Jesus. *You*. You. You didn't see me that way. I have never known
anyone who actually believed that I was enough. Until I met you. And then you
made me believe it, too. So, uh... unfortunately... I need you. And you need
me.
Maggie Murdock: No I don't.
Jamie Randall: Yes you do.
Maggie Murdock: No I don't.
Jamie Randall: *Yes*, you do.
Maggie Murdock: Stop it, stop saying that.
Jamie Randall: You need someone to take care of you.
Maggie Murdock: No, I don't!
Jamie Randall: Everybody does.
Maggie Murdock: I'm gonna need you
more than you need me.
Jamie Randall: That's okay.
Maggie Murdock: [crying] No it's not! It isn't *fair*! I have places to go!
Jamie Randall: You'll go there. I just may have to carry you.
Maggie Murdock: ...I can't ask you to do that.
Jamie Randall: You didn't.
True love do exist and I believe it. I believe in love. I wish I could find such love... A love like them. A love that conquer everything, not giving up when obstacles come. I want a love as describe in this scriptures:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails". (1 Cor 13 : 4-8)
