NUMB

Last week I went to my hometown with a happy feeling for my friend wedding party. But it wasn’t the happy or best weekend… it was the worse nightmare. The wedding party was great with a hot atmosphere.

Is it true that love is at the heart of obedience?
That day, my parents asked me to do something beyond my limit, something that rock my belief… rock my life… made me wondering… were you really my parents?

I felt trapped. My mom came to me that night, said “I’m sorry”. Then I said, “Sorry for what?” And she began to explain what they wanted me to do. I asked, “Why?” She just said that she also did this thing when she was young. I asked, “Must I do this???” And she said, “Yes, please do it for us.”

I was confused. I asked my friend, what would you do when your love one ask you to do something that you can’t do… something beyond your limit… something that will change you world, something against your belief… She said that she will discuss it and find a better solution. But I couldn’t do that, I’m too weak… maybe because I love my parents too much, no matter what they have done… I owe my life to them.

I did everything to make my parents happy. I took the second degree, I agreed to their married arrangement (even though I failed you), I support the family with every money I have… now you asked and forced me to do this?

So, I finally did what they asked me to do. I felt so devastated, so embarrassed, so sad. How could they, in the name of love, asked me to do this? Why can they love me for who I am? Why can they respect me as a human who has the right to speak and act on my own? Did you ashamed of me? Am I that embarrassing?

I hope my parents realize how much I love them, how much I respect them. I can’t forgive my self for doing it. I did something against my religion and my belief. I felt so low and filthy.

For all parents in the world, love your children with all your heart… with everything you have… don’t force them to do something they don’t wish to do… just support them in every way.

I felt so numb.

(Picture source from - http://www.newsweek.com/id/78178)

In My Heart

For the Easter Night Mass, our choir will be singing this song. For me, this song is very beautiful. Check out its lyric:

IN MY HEART
by Bukas Palad
Written by Manoling

REFRAIN:
In my heart I know my Savior lives
I can hear Him calling tenderly my name
Over sin and death He has prevailed
In His glory, in His new life we partake

I know He lives as He has promised
For me He's risen that from fear I may be free
Not even death can separate me
From Him whose love and might remain in me (REFRAIN)

For I have seen and touched Him risen
To all the world will I proclaim His majesty
With joy I sing to tell His story
That in our hearts may live His memory (REFRAIN)

And all the earth shall bow before Him
His blessed name all will adore on bended knee
His truth shall reign, so shall His justice
In Christ, my Savior, let all glory be (REFRAIN)

CODA:
In my heart I know my Savior lives
In His glory, in His new life we partake

Source - http://www.bukaspalad.com/pages/songs.php?action=lookup&id=54

Money

I just don't understand how people adore money. Have to admin that everyone need money especially in this time of crisis. We work extra hard just to earn more money. The more money we have, the more expenses...

Today, I got offended by someone regarding money. I try to balance my income and my expenses, yet still trying to make everyone happy. So here is a view of my expenses: 1/3 of salary goes to my mom, another 1/3 goes to my health assurance and my motorcycle. Finally I only have 1/3 to spend it for my self but I spend it to my cousin's education fee, house daily supply, house monthly supply, telephone bill, water bill... At the end... I've nothing less for my self even for saving. Stupid isn't it?

This money matter become a huge disaster at home. Each time we spoke about it... each time we hurt each other. I really hate to discuss this topic, I do. Why do they always want more money??? I realize... no matter how much i give, it will always be insufficient. Jesus, why is it so hard???

I know that running away is not a great solution, yet I want to do it now... at this very moment!!!